The name Zachary Bernstein isn’t terribly unique and if you search it on Google, I’m not the only one who comes up. To prevent any confusion, here’s a guide to some of the other people out there named Zachary Bernstein who I’ve never met, am not related to, and aren’t me.
If you’re in the Boston area and need a lawyer who specializes in corporate litigation, or something like that, you could do worse than this Zachary Bernstein. While at Harvard, he wrote music reviews for the Harvard Crimson, giving high praise for the band Tennis, which I can totally get behind, but also for John Mayer, a sure signal that he is not me.
This Zachary Bernstein is a biomedical engineer at Johns Hopkins. I don’t know anything about biomedical engineering and that should be your first clue that he’s not me.
Don’t be confused by this Zachary Bernstein. He’s a musician too, but he went to Juilliard and now teaches at the Eastman School of Music in Rochester, NY, a city I used to live in and hope to visit once again. It’s a small city and I hope his presence doesn’t cause any confusion amongst the people who knew me from way back when. Then again, they should all know better because he is not me.
A Zachary Bernstein for all your real estate needs I’m sure, but not a Zachary Bernstein who is me.
Once again we have a lawyer named Zachary Bernstein. But if one day you get charged with felony embezzlement, don’t come knocking on my door because he isn’t me.
Okay, wow, this Zachary Bernstein is working for the White House! That’s huge. And before that he worked for the state department for over nine years and also the National Intelligence office doing what must be very important work in counterterrorism, nuclear arms control, and maintaining national safety. Makes you think about all the other different paths I could’ve chosen in life that might’ve made a real difference in the world. In comparison, it makes pursuing the arts seems so insignificant and vain. How many other lives could I have lived? Truly, I am in awe of the light he has selflessly brought to this sometimes dark and unsparing planet. If there’s any uncertainty, remember that this Zachary Bernstein is the American hero and model of public service with many accomplishments to be proud of, while I’m the Zachary Bernstein who wrote a half-finished musical about talking socks.
Oh Christ, another lawyer named Zachary Bernstein.